all posts,  Personal,  Personal Lifestyle

I Felt So Ashamed……

This has been a really difficult post for me to write, one I’ve been deliberating over for months now. I think probably because I’m extremely private when it comes to my personal life. I know I’ve touched on my illness briefly but it’s not something I’ve ever wished to discuss in-depth, not because I have anything against people who do. I think it’s more that I needed this part of my life to be about me, the things I love and daydream about. My passion for everything Beauty related and my love of Fashion. 

Ok so, I’ve had my illness ( Lupus / SLE ) for about 14 years now and I’m not going to lie it’s been a pretty horrendous road to get to here. We had our family young because of the illness. This was advised due to the fact that there would be complications the longer we waited and we wouldn’t be able to have any. 

Two gorgeous teenagers later and lots of interesting, challenging years I finally managed to start my blog. I’m not going to lie it hasn’t exactly gone to plan! I started my YouTube account with my instagram to run alongside each other and was really enjoying getting my makeup looks, reviews and tutorials out. My accounts were really starting to grow when I noticed a change in my body. 

My hair started to just break randomly in different spots all over my head, I was waking up and honestly dreading looking in the mirror because I didn’t know what was going to be looking back at me. It’s almost like seeing a stranger, a person you refuse to recognise as you. I kept getting my hair cut shorter and shorter to try to hide the fact that it was bald in some places, broken in others but this was horrendous in itself. My experience in going to the hairdressers the last time was truly heartbreaking, I explained my situation before I went, said what I needed done and everything was agreed before I arrived. That way I felt like I wasn’t going to have this awkward conversation in front of the whole salon! Well that was a joke….. Honestly I’ve never felt more embarrassed, ashamed, angry and upset all at the same time as I did there. The ‘ Head Stylist’ decided to shout across to the other ‘ Senior Stylist’ how horrendous the condition of my hair was, how I shouldn’t be ‘coloring it myself’ to get it in this state, ‘Why wasn’t I being seen by a trichologist?’ Totally disregarding the long conversation I’d had on the phone detailing everything that was going on! (Oh and my hair hadn’t been colored) she went on and on in front of the whole salon and I just wanted to melt away. By the time she was done I just wanted out the door so I could get to the car and I literally broke down. It’s amazing how worthless people can make you feel, even when you know it’s not your fault.

I guess this is why I bought the wigs and started wearing them. I started posting again on my channels but didn’t say anything. I wasn’t sure how I would be judged by people, If they would be kind and accepting, or would it be like my last experience? finally I took the plunge and made a short YouTube video telling everyone about my hair loss and Wig. So far the response I’ve had has been amazing, I couldn’t have asked for people to have been more positive. 

(If you would like to watch it then I will link it below and I would appreciate any comments that you might have. )

As for my Lupus, it’s not going anywhere I  know that and accepted it a long time ago. I just have a better understanding of how to work with it day-to-day.

If there is anything I’ve mentioned in this post or you’d like to know more about please get in touch.

Love T. x

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